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A/N: Inspired somewhat by Urs's Cat Rules adaptation.

Thank you for your purchase of our latest product, the Rat. Below are a few tips to follow to make sure you get the most out of your new purchase.

* Be sure to keep your Rat clear of diseases and other nasty problems by keeping him, at all times, away from nasty silos, rabid peasants and other alien infested locations.

* If he becomes dirty, washing the Rat with a soap based cleanser will quickly solve the problem. Full body contact may be required at times to prevent him from hurting himself as he may get frisky. Do not use alcohol based cleaners.

* Do not feed the Rat after midnight and under no circumstances get him we...oh wait, wrong list...

* Your Rat may disappear sometimes and then reappear days later, bruised, battered in a torn leather jacket and bleeding. This is normal behaviour for a Rat, and must be taken in stride if you do not wish to scare him off.

* Care for your Rat's injuries, much as you would your own. Cuddling and snuggling can be quite effective as most Rats have an inbuilt need for affection. At no time allow him to deal with his own bandaging, as it will result in him not feeling that you care and he will disappear for good the next time.

* Chocolate is an effective bribe for recalcitrant Rats. Make sure it's the good stuff, however, none of the nasty American chocolate. Only Swiss or British chocolate will be effective, and will also prove to your Rat that you are willing to go out of your way to that dinky chocolate shop on the other side of the city for him, and will often result in good behaviour for the next short while.

* Please have your Rat trained. It is often best for him to be trained privately. Rats do require a clear definition of who the boss is in the relationship. Training started early in the relationship will help prevent behavioural problems that can start very early. Bars are often a great place to show off your Rat and to help social behaviour with strangers. Early socialisation is of great importance with Rats.

* Rats require a lot of patience, especially during the early months. These times can be very trying for you and your Rat. As you will learn their mouths are purpose built. There is little to persuade them not to suck, lick or nibble on everything. It is a good idea to provide quality body parts that can stand up to a young Rat's oral phase.

* Here is a list of items you should have on hand for any emergency for your beloved Rat:

o Bandages

o Hydrogen peroxide

o Anti-Bac cream

o Chocolate

o Lube

o Condoms

o Chocolate

o Massage Oil

o Gun

o Fuzzy Footie Slippers

o Ammo

o Spare Leather Jacket

o Chocolate

o Doctor (Any red headed one will suffice)

o Leather Harness

o Stuffed Toy Rat

o Chocolate

* Household Hazards to avoid leaving around:

o Open FBI Top Secret Files

o The ~Good~ Vodka

o Chocolate you want to keep

o Spare Consortium Assassins

o Laptop with information on The Truth

o Any of the Gunmen

Note: With the above, chances are, the Rat already knows more about it than you do. However, it's nicer to let him believe you trust his information. Trust is a highly important issue.

* Grooming: A Rat must always be well groomed if you are to maintain his self-esteem. A sturdy leather jacket, T-shirt and jeans can be standard wear for most days. Be sure never to buy brightly coloured clothing, Hawaiian shirts are right out. Try to keep him clean shaven with his hair trimmed. Rats with shaggy beards are just not right. Sturdy shoes are required, but nothing that would make noise when moving. Stealth is very important to a Rat's well being. Underwear is usually not necessary.

* Do not under any circumstances neuter your Rat. It will result in deep emotional pain and eventual withering away. And they're really not fun without all their bits intact.

* Always maintain patience for yourself and your Rat. Rats are unlike most, and will baffle you at times. They will love you infinitely. Enjoy your time with them because when they are gone you will ever wonder how you survived life without one.

Looking after a Rat may be a time consuming effort, but is an ultimately rewarding task. We hope you enjoy your Rat, and that he gives you many years of pleasure.


ConsortiumProducts Inc
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