It’s obvious he’s moved on, and I know I should also. However, watching him as he laughs, smiles and enjoys his life, I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t cheated on him. If I’d truly realized who and what was waiting for me at home, would I have stepped into that cabin all those months ago and lay down with the one person he’d never forgive the transgression.
When I feel eyes upon me, the plastic smile appears on my face. I cannot allow anyone to know what I’m feeling. Some would call it a brave front; one would say it’s my pride getting in the way. He’d be right; arrogance and stubbornness are all that is keeping me from walking out the door, going back to my domicile and licking my wounds. There’s no one there to pet my ego and say that it is truly for the best, he was holding me back. It’d be a lie anyway.
No, I will stay and play the game. After all is it not my penance for the deception? The penalty for choosing lust over love, the consequences for believing he’d always forgive my lack of attention, putting him second in my life.
So, here I sit, watching him and his new love dance to ‘their song’. They’ve sworn their love and fidelity, both knowing what that really means to the other.
It’s official, never again shall I be referred to as Mrs. Thomas Paris. No. I am forever B’Elanna Torres again and he has become Thomas Eugene Paris, husband to Chakotay of Dorvan V.
March 20, 2008