I seriously consider not going in to work today. Then decide that SHE'LL only come and drag me in - or worse yet, send Dobrinsky over. 

Shit! 

So, I drag myself out of bed and go through my usual morning routine. Shower, shave, dress, gulp down a cup of coffee... studiously NOT think about Vic - about the pain that rests deep within me at his rejection. 

I'm doing pretty well, actually managing to keep my mind sufficiently numb - moving on auto-pilot as I gather myself together and drive in to the Agency. Determined to accept his decision, to hide my feelings, I make it all the way in to the meeting before my brain comes back online. 

All it takes is one look. One look at him and I'm right back in that morass of pain and confusion his abrupt, cold rejection brought me. 

He gives me a distracted nod as I enter the room but doesn't look at me. Doesn't even offer me a greeting. His face is blank, except for a wariness that lingers in his eyes. 

Fucker. 

Well, I'll be damned if I'll let him see how his attitude hurts. I take my customary seat and do my best to appear normal - won't let him see how much this is hurting me. 

LiAnn comes hurtling into the room and throws herself into the chair between us, the spare one in the middle, blatantly left vacant. LiAnn is out of breath, but she still frowns, looks between one and the other of us. I studiously avoid looking in Vic's direction. "Hey, hi. Looks like you made it after all." 

Breathlessly, she says, "Yeah, barely." She gives me a puzzled frown, as if wondering what is WITH the weird energy she's surrounded by. I stare back at her, curiously, trying to give her a perfect reflection of her quizzical expression. 

Sure enough, right on the heels of her words, the click of the Director's stilettos comes tapping down the stairs as she emerges with a customary ambiguous look on her elegant face. 

I try not to notice as LiAnn turns to scope out Vic - who doesn't return her gaze. 

Jesus. I really am starting to wonder about women's famed intuition. With the Director, I'd know it was due to surveillance. With LiAnn, I know it's because she's our partner and finely-tuned to us both. 

Damn. 

I don't need a shoulder to cry on. Still... to be able to talk with someone who'd understand, who would even sympathize... Vic's behavior actually seems so uncharacteristic. I'd never have thought him capable of being as callous, so abruptly and brutally distant as he has been with me. 

Somehow I make it through the day. Not easily. Wouldn't you know, the Director has us spend the entire day doing research. Between Vic ignoring me and Nathan watching me as if he expects me to attack and kill his precious Victor, I'm about ready to tear the hair out of my head and run screaming through the halls - thankfully, LiAnn's soothing presence keeps me from doing anything drastic. 

She's definitely figured out that there's a major problem between her partners and has recognized that any attempt to drill us for details will not help the situation, though, the worried looks she keeps sending my way tell me that she's determined to find out what is bothering me. She knows me well, that woman. As I know her. 

And, truth to tell, I need to talk to her about this. Tell her what's happened. Hope that she can help me get through this - maybe explain to me why Vic is acting this way. Tell me what to do - how to deal with this unexpected and frightening pain I'm feeling. 

As we leave, she grabs my arm, pulling me around to face her. "Mac, let's go somewhere and talk. Have a drink." 

"Sure. Let's go." My ready agreement throws her momentarily, as if she expected me to get cagey with her. She seems relieved. Once we're at the bar, safely huddled over our glasses, she sits and regards me. 

Coolly, she says, "So. Spit it out. You've been wanting to get this off your chest - whatever it is - all day. Did you and Victor have a fight, or something?" 

I smile wryly. "You could say that, yeah." 

She gives me that penetrative gaze she has, the one that lets me know that whether as partner, sister, ex-lover or friend, she knows me well enough to read between the lines so I'd best not bullshit her. "I thought you two were getting on better, these past few months." 

I lower my voice. "LiAnn, do you remember back when I told you I thought I was still in love with you?" 

She tenses slightly but doesn't flinch. Warily, she replies, "Yes, why?" She gives me a dark look. "This isn't about some renewed rivalry with him over me, is it? I thought the two of you were clear that-" 

"No, no, believe me, it's nothing like that. Hear me out." I pick up the glass and sip, then swirl the contents in the bottom. "Did you think I was just fooling myself that I had real feelings for you? Or that I was just wanting to believe it out of desperation to have... LOVE... in my life? To be in love with someone, anyone?" 

LiAnn gives me a shrewd look, but I can tell she hasn't a clue what I'm talking about here. "I think you were kidding yourself, yeah. Why? What does this have to do with Victor?" 

I squirm in my seat, uncomfortably, and sigh. "Okay, here's the clincher, then. Do you think that anyone I believe I fall in love with is automatically just a... Well, is it my response to a need to believe in it? To believe I have something real? Or am I deluding myself, every time?" 

LiAnn looks a little trapped. Finally, she says, slowly, "I think - I think that you'll know it if it's real and you won't let yourself be talked out of it. It will be something you know, and feel, not something you believe in." But now she's dying for me to tell her what's going on, and I can see it in her. I almost chuckle at the way she's bursting with curiosity. 

Clearing my throat, I gather my scattered thoughts. "I... Vic... Vic and I have been um, We've been having sex. With each other." 

Her eyes widen as the implications sink in. 

"You? And VIC?" 

"Yeah - not very often - he... he comes to my place every once in a while - when he's tense, upset, y'know?" I break off, not sure how she'll react to my revelation. 

"Okay," she says in a musing tone. "How long has this been going on?" 

"Ever since the warehouse explosion. Not too often," I hasten to explain. "When it all gets to be too much for him he just turns up at my door." 

"And..." 

Sighing, I avert my eyes from hers. "It was okay in the beginning. He'd come over, fuck me and leave. No problem - no recriminations - we were just letting off a little steam - no more." 

"Mac, obviously something changed - what happened?" 

"Well, last Friday he... we... it was different. And I realized that I'd fallen for him - fallen hard. And he saw that - I don't know how. Ran out of there like his tail was on fire. I tried to talk to him - but, shit, LiAnn - he refuses to discuss it - says it's over." I take a sip of my drink - damn! my hands are actually shaking - and continue in a low voice. "He was so cold, so distant - I've never seen him like this. Told me to go away - told me to forget it." 

I can't hide the pain in my voice, "Maybe I should request a transfer - I really don't think I can face his attitude every day. It hurts, LiAnn. It fucking hurts." 

LiAnn takes a breath. I can see the sympathy in her lovely, dark eyes, but also the caution. She doesn't want me to hurt - but she doesn't want him to hurt either. Maybe it's really about avoiding getting hurt herself. But she merely asks, quietly, "Mac? Are you sure it's the real thing? I mean, you say you've fallen for him... Are you sure that isn't just - a reaction, desire -" 

I interrupt her. "No, I'm sure. Believe me, I know what it feels like to fall in love. I know the difference. There's attachment, there's desire, there's affection - and then there's the gut-wrencher, the balls-deep, utterly fucking head-over-heels -" 

She puts up a hand, cutting me off. "Okay, okay. I get the point." She shakes her head. "Mac, Victor is... a good-looking guy. But are you in love with him now because you've had sex with him? Or because you feel you've grown closer, dependent on him? Is it because we've spent so long together, all three of us working for the Agency, that you've fixated on him as a partner? I mean, we all watch each other's back - it doesn't mean that it drives the sexual tension in the group as the way that the Director seems to want." 

I stare at her. "LiAnn, listen to me. Read my lips: I love him. I'm IN love with him. I can't help it, it's too late to stop now and there isn't any going back. I still love you, I always will, but this is different. I feel for him what I once felt for-" I break off, suddenly, not wanting to say that aloud. 

But it's also too late to take back any part of my confession to her, either. She looks confused, as if she isn't sure whether to feel hurt, feel pity for me or just withdraw and let us work it out on our own. To her credit (god, I DO still love this woman) she doesn't do anything of the kind and merely licks her lips, takes another drink from her glass. "It - it does make sense, in a strange kind of way. I didn't figure Vic to ever relax any part of himself enough to let go and get involved with you or anyone like you in this way. But I can see how you might have transferred your fixation onto him." 

I can't help feeling a little put down at this. "Is that the only thing you think I'm capable of? The only kind of love I can feel for someone is a FIXATION?" 

"No!" she exclaims. "I just think that you've let your heart rule your head again, that's all. You take risks when you think you're in love. You did it for me, before we were separated when we left the Tangs... And now you're doing it for Victor. After the warehouse and Michael's death... when you say Vic went to see you." 

I shrug. "At this point, does it matter? He doesn't want anything more to do with me. Because I love him. Because it means something to me. Now that it really hurts, and I really need him, now that I want him to stay, I lose him. He's shut me out completely." 

LiAnn frowns. She may be a woman but she's formidable and I've seen her like this too many times to count. "He has no right to treat you like that just because he can't handle the relationship. He can't hide behind sex and then pretend that you don't mean anything to him." 

"But I DON'T! That's what I'm trying to tell you! That's why it hurts so fucking bad," I conclude, miserably, and drain my glass. 

She shakes her head at me, briefly. "No. I know Vic. He's probably torturing himself over it as we sit here. Let me talk to him." 

"Great. So now I've betrayed him, as well, and he can get upset with me for that. For blabbing to you." 

"Who else are you supposed to talk to? Jesus, Mac! Get real. I won't stand for it if he tries to pull that one. Go ahead and go home, okay? I'll go talk to him." She rolls her eyes. "I can't believe the Director hasn't gotten involved yet." 

I raise my brows. "Maybe she's been getting a kick out of watching it happen." 

LiAnn sighs. "She's not as bad you two always try to make out." 

I laugh, incredulous, relieved that LiAnn is willing to downshift at this point. I'm sweating beneath this cool, moping exterior. 

We each finish our drinks at the same time and decline a refill. After all the time we've known each other, there's no need to go through those often uncomfortable goodbyes. Rising from our table, we exchange a look - she offers me a sympathetic and understanding expression, and I let her see how very much I appreciate her understanding and offer of support. 

"Mac," she says, "go home and sleep - you need it. Don't worry, I promise not to make things worse for you - Vic and I will talk. And I'll make it very clear that this is MY idea - not yours." 

I believe her. I trust her. And I am grateful. 

"Thanks, sis," I say. Then I hug her. 

"It'll be okay, Mac," she promises. "It will." 

Okay. Okay? How can anything ever be okay again? 

With a sigh, I release my hold on her and try to smile. It's a weak effort, I can see that in her eyes, but it's a start. 

We leave the bar and head off to our respective homes.