Vic 

The lights are driving me crazy. I sigh and knock back the last of what's left in my glass. It's been about three weeks now since we've decided to try Mac's approach of watching games, drinking out, going out and hanging out.  If he doesn't resolve his issues regarding me soon, he'll find it's me that's out. The music isn't bad, but it isn't good, either.

Unlike Mac. He looks good. Mac is looking better than usual; all dressed up, snappy... I'd let him persuade me into going to this gay bar and now I'm starting to wonder if he's got it into his head to try to seduce me or something equally insane. Like I'm not a fucking foregone conclusion at this point. I'm starting to wonder if this isn't some kind of point he's trying to make - to himself.

Mac is giving me this lopsided grin. "Let's dance," he declares.

"Why not go home and fuck for real? Instead of this... " I wave in the direction of the dance floor, an expression of distaste on my face. "Dammit, Mac."

A mingled look of wounded pride and feelings wanders over his face and is quickly replaced with a jaunty playboy attitude I've seen before. Never with me, and never in this setting. Jesus. How... immature. Does he really think he needs to play the rake with me?

"C'mon, Vic," he says, with a jerk of his head in the direction of the dance floor where couples are gyrating against each other to what is arguably 'music'. "Let's lighten up. Have some fun."

I shake my head with a sigh. "I get it. I'm the stick in the mud and it's your job to loosen me up. Mac, you don't need to do this with me. We're not seventeen years old."

"Vic... I don't... I mean, I'm only trying to make this - us - better together. Stronger." He sighs and raised his beer for a long swallow. "Can't you see - understand, what I'm trying to do for us here?"

"No, goddammit, I DON'T see anything but you making me crazy, Mac. I want you, you know that. And I know that you want me. Why the FUCK," I ask impatiently, "are you putting me through this?"

"Putting you through this?" He asks incredulously. "I only want to - I mean, I just want what we had before - AND be lovers. Is that really so much to ask?"

"Mac... I - I... SHIT, do you want to fuck tonight, or what"

He stares at me for a moment, seemingly weighing his options. And - what DO you know - I apparently come up short. "No, Vic, we are not gonna fuck tonight," he says decisively. "Not until we - "

"Fuck you, Ramsey," I spit at him. Setting my beer on the bar with a decisive thump, I stare at him coldly. "I've had enough of this. You want
me, you know where I live."

And, I leave.

MAC

I hold the door open for LiAnn and she precedes me into the restaurant. We sit down at a table off to the side, by the window. She seems to sense that we need to keep this light. After walking out on me last night, Vic appeared cagey around me all day today. I finally cracked and asked LiAnn if she wouldn't mind talking with me. She didn't look surprised at all. Hell, the entire Agency probably has bets on how long this thing between Vic and me will last.

We've been to this restaurant quite a few times. We both order and the waiter is just taking away our menus and our orders when the door opens at the front and a couple comes in to the establishment...

Vic. With a bleached blond accessory on his arm.

I blink.

"Mac? MAC?" LiAnn is staring at me.

I can't breathe. I can't believe it.

Finally, I suck a breath into my lungs and try to remember where we are.  Where I am. We're here in this....place... FUCK. Vic knows that LiAnn and I come here to eat. And he knew that LiAnn and I would be going out tonight.  I can't help wondering if he half-expected to run into us here. Am I paranoid? LiAnn is looking concernedly at me and then realizes I'm staring at the lovely, lovely couple who is actually looking for a table and are not that far from us now. They don't appear to have seen us. 

LiAnn turns, sees them, and her mouth drops open with a little gasp. Good.  So it isn't just me.

Just then, his eyes scan the room, zeroing in on us and he smirks. The fucker actually smirks.

I hate him.

Determinedly not watching him as he and his 'friend' settle at their table, I meet LiAnne's worried gaze miserably. "Mind if we go now? I seem to have suddenly lost my appetite."

She leans forward and lays one hand over my trembling fingers. "No problem, Mac. We'll go back to your place - talk if you want. I don't think you should be alone tonight."

While I know that she's right - I'm in no condition to be alone - still, all I want is to go home, climb into bed and pull the covers over my head. Jesus! HOW could he do something so... so fucking vicious? 

Yep, I decide firmly, I hate him. And, as soon as I can tell him so without losing it, the fucker is in for one hell of a...

Oh hell, what's the point? It won't work between us - and this time, I really believe it's over. Permanently.

"Thanks, LiAnn. You're right, I shouldn't be alone right now - but," I warn her, "I'm not sure I want to discuss this tonight, it - I need some time to think. Make a decision. I think - I think a transfer is my best bet... but I want to think about it. Then, we can talk, okay?"

She frowns, but doesn't argue. Silently we leave, neither of us looking in Vic's direction.

We go back to my place. After a certain amount of reassurance, supportive comforting and finally accepting that all I need is to sleep on this, LiAnn leaves.

Now, I'm laying in bed, alone, in the dark.

The message is loud and clear. The sting is so painful that at first I didn't realize how much it really hurt. Now the shock is passing and I'm finding myself reeling with the depth of my pain. It feels like a physical blow to my chest and I can even feel the blood dripping from the wound inside. He's made his point. The sex WAS the only thing that was keeping us together, and if I cut him off, I can only expect him to retaliate.

I'm regretting ever having done anything with him. I should have been stronger and just let him cut ME off in the beginning. I shouldn't have let him persuade me to continue. I should have known, should have realized, that it could only ever end this way. I was at my wits' end last night - somehow, I knew it wouldn't help to go banging on his door after his brusque departure in the bar. But now, this latest statement of his really hammers the point home. Drives the nail into the coffin. It was just sex. And if he can't get it from me, he'll find it elsewhere. Jesus, Victor. If all you wanted was sex, why did you bother telling me you loved me?

I'm trying to see how I could have done this differently, but he never lets me talk, doesn't WANT to talk...

Despairing at ever finding a way to reach him, I finally give up. I'm going to have to face facts at this point, or turn myself into a completely pathetic fool over him, a lovesick idiot. He doesn't love me. He doesn't want anything but a convenient fuck. Fine. I steel myself inside. That's what he wants, that's all he'll have. But not with me.

For the first time in a long, LONG time, I cry myself to sleep. I don't even care that Di probably has my bedroom under the usual surveillance. There's only so much breaking that a heart can take.

VIC

As soon as Mac and LiAnn leave the restaurant it becomes clear that I've hurt him badly - maybe too much for - Hell, his expression said it all. He believes I don't want him anymore... I've gone too far this time. Whatever we have - or had - is over. I've killed it.

After an interminably long meal, I finally drop Ashley off at her apartment, awkwardly fending off her advances.

I don't want her - I want - hell, I want Mac.

Too late now, though. I've destroyed any chance for us with my little temper tantrum. And, I have a sinking feeling that LiAnn is NOT going to give me the benefit of the doubt this time.

And then there's the Director - I'm not even gonna think about HER reaction.

Surprisingly, I actually sleep. Oh, my dreams are more than a little disturbing, but I DO sleep. When the alarm goes off, I rise, and shower then reluctantly head in to work.

I drive with a feeling of foreboding. I shake it off, trying to remember any dreams I might have had that might be to blame. And then I remember the pensive, painful look on Mac's face as he left the restaurant, an angry LiAnn beside him. I hadn't really expected to find them both there. I'd thought they would go to their usual place, for that unappealing Hong Kong cuisine they both love so much.

Well, I made my point. I'm kind of glad they saw me, actually. I straighten in my seat, driving to work. Damn it, I hadn't meant anything by it. If Mac wanted us to return to 'just being friends', I'd reminded him what that entailed...After all, what can he expect if we aren't going to be lovers? He's made it clear to me that we aren't to have sex in lieu of friendship - so I'd reminded him that returning to the way we were before meant that we weren't fucking. As if it isn't obvious. So. Fine. NO sex, just friends, Mac.

I'm starting to panic. Maybe I fucked up last night, badly. It seems that nothing I ever do is good enough. Every time I've tried to live up to his expectations of our 'relationship', he seems to change the goalposts. Yeah, right. Back to friendship. I'd exposed myself and bared my heart to Mac, telling him I loved him... And we're supposed to go back to being friends with me trying to make something work with him - WITHOUT any closeness at all?

I feel betrayed and more than justified in showing him that I can make it without him. If he believes that last night's display of mine was anything more than a token gesture, he needs his head seeing to. Surely he wouldn't believe that I'd...SLEPT with that woman?

I park the truck and walk inside, and I'm going down the corridor when I meet Dobrinsky coming the other way.

"You fucked up this time, didn't you, Sport?" He asks me with a cheerful smile.

"Screw you, Dobrinsky," I snarl, continuing on to the morning meeting. Damned it I'll even give that bastard an opening to discuss my personal life.

Apparently unwilling to let me have the last word, he answers. "I'd be careful, Vic - maybe you should get yourself a suit of full body armor before the meeting this morning."

Deciding not to play his little game, I continue on my way in silence.

As I open the door and enter the meeting room, I immediately reconsider Dobie's suggestion of protective gear. Somehow, that little shit has managed to make himself into the injured party - again. LiAnn and the Director both direct venomous stares at me while Mac refuses to even LOOK in my direction.

SO not good.

I raise my chin and meet the women's eyes defiantly. Neither backs down, if anything their expressions become even more accusatory.

"What?" I growl. "What the fuck did I do NOW?"

With a disgusted look at me, the Director ignores my question and turns to Mac. "Mr. Ramsey, I shall take your request under consideration. In the meantime, I think I will assign you to separate tasks. Victor, you're in research today - LiAnn, work on that little project of ours - Mac, stay here for a moment. We will discuss your assignment privately."

Little project? Research? Assignment? I snatch up the folder that the Director has set on the table at my place with a growl and stalk off to the library. Nathan is nowhere to be seen. A good thing, too, in the mood I'm in. I don't have the patience to deal with him right now. After a few hours alone in the stacks though, brooding over the looks on all their faces when I entered that room... Even Nathan would be a welcome distraction.

MAC

I'm shaking despite my attempts to control myself as Victor stalks out of the room. I never would have believed that I'd prefer the Director's company to his! And I'm actually grateful for her presence.

She sighs deeply, catching my attention as LiAnn also leaves the room. She tilts her head at me and says, "I think it would be best for you to concentrate on something today, keep busy and out of trouble. Have Dobrinsky give you directions to the training facility. There is a class of young wanna-be's who are in need of someone with your experience. Go easy on them, Mr. Ramsey. They haven't even been taught how to fall."

I can't help but be grateful. But still, I can't rely on a daily distraction. I need assurance that I'm going to find permanent relief from this problem. I place my shaking hands under the table and say, "Thanks. But what about reassignment? I can't go on like this. It's gotten too far out of control."

She gives me a cool gaze. "Trust me on this, Mac. Give me a few days to work on it, I'm sure we can sort something out."

I lick my lips. "I can't take being in the same room with him like this, I can't," I appeal to her, hating to let the strain show through the cracks now. But dammit-

"Mac," she says, stressing my name with the right amount of strength to make me sit still and pay closer attention to her. "Trust me. I'll have words with Victor. But in the meantime, I want you to concentrate on making sure that those students leave the training gym later today with an adequate amount of knowledge... an intimate, repeated acquaintance with the mats should suffice."

I sit up and take a deep breath. "Okay, okay. But I'm not coming in here if he's going to be here again." I can't help the petulant grumbling tone of my voice.

VIC

The Director walks up to the table where I'm working on the file she gave me earlier in the day. I look up to see the glare on her face. My heart sinks.

"Congratulations, Victor. You've managed to destroy the delicate balance of my team."

I sigh and lean back in the chair. "What do you want me to say?" I ask, lowly.

"You could give me an explanation. What do you think you're doing?"

A bitterness rises to my throat. I fail to see what business this is of hers. And I say so. "What's it to you? The whole thing's taking place outside of work. Kind of out of your jurisdiction, really."

"Think again, Mr. Mansfield," she replies, tartly. "Mac has insisted on a transfer. He wants to be reassigned. He claims that being in the same room with you is too painful to bear. Frankly, I can see how he might feel that way."

I close my eyes. Right. So this is all MY fault.

She continues, acidly, "If you'd treated me the same way as you've been treating him, I'm not sure what I would have done. Certainly I wouldn't have given you as much rope to hang yourself with as he did."

I look back up at her, matching her frown. "Look, he said he wanted us to try just being friends. He basically cut me off. To get revenge, I guess, for what happened when I tried to end it, before." I'm really not in the mood to have to deal with SuperBitch, here. I can't believe everyone is acting like I'm the villain of this entire piece. It takes two to tango, and Mac cut ME off, not the other way around. Jesus.

"Don't lie to ME, Mansfield. He told you he didn't want to lose your friendship. And, I can't blame him for that - not at all. You," she fixes me with an intense glare, "have been treating him like your own little slut. 'Come on over, Mac - just don't think I'm willing to actually TALK to you, spend TIME with you outside of the bedchamber.' You have been acting like an asshole, Victor."

I swallow at this and clench my fists. I shoot a look at her, meeting her gaze. I congratulate myself on not flinching. She's looking daggers at me. I take a breath. "We already talked, we did that whole song and dance before. Jesus, what do I have to do? Jump through hoops?" But she cuts off the rest of what I might have said.

"Jump through HOOPS?" She asks incredulously. "Christ, I really made a mistake - you don't deserve him. Get back to work, Mr. Mansfield. I'm going to accept Mac's request for transfer - I REFUSE to let this situation continue. The team is hopelessly fractured now." Bitch shakes her head. "I never expected this from you. I really didn't think outright cruelty was in your nature. I WILL take this newfound knowledge into consideration when I transfer YOU."

I bite back an angry retort. Her words are a bucket of cold water over my head. Breathing hard, I say, "Look, I wasn't- I didn't mean to-" I pause. I've never seen her this angry. Especially not with me. I feel brought up short. "I wasn't trying to be cruel. I just- I-"

"Well," she responds in an icy voice, "you HAVE been cruel. You - through your actions - have just about destroyed this team. He's been honest with you, and, he had hope for awhile... but now, well, I'm not sure he'll recover - and, if Mac can't get past it, the team is null and void. Which," she admits with a sigh, "is in part my fault. I trusted you, Victor. Thought you would be capable of supporting him through these first weeks of a new relationship." She turns to leave. "Oh, and Victor... I WON'T forget this. You'll pay... heavily."

I stare as she retreats, and wince as the door slams behind her, the booming sound echoing throughout the library.

I just can't see what the problem is. What else IS there to talk about?  What does Mac WANT? Okay, if I'm honest with myself, I guess I can see what she's referring to. I guess I have been using sex as a way to stave off uncomfortable conversations. But Christ Al-fucking-MIGHTY... This has got so far out of hand, now. I can feel not just bile but panic rising. Fuck. FUCK!

With a moan, I let my head fall forward, my forehead connecting with the table with a slight thud. I am so utterly fucked. 

A NEW relationship? I can't help replaying her last words through my head. Okay, I guess she's right on that score. But I thought we were supposed to be lovers, not-

That's when it hits me. Oh shit. I HAD assumed that we'd moved on from the whole 'friends' bit - which is why it had hurt so much for him to tell me he wanted to RETURN to it.

SHIT.

She was right. Mac had told me that he didn't want to lose our friendship.  To be honest, it wasn't much of a friendship, really. It was an acquaintance of necessity, thrown together as we were by having to be partners on a team assembled by the Director... Maybe somewhere along the line I'd got confused. No. NO.

I close my eyes and lean back in the seat with a sigh. This is - shit, I'm screwed. Really screwed this time. I can't help feeling a little sick. I guess I was over the top with that date last night. Out of line, to do that. Yeah. It WAS childish. And cruel, really.

I'd only done it because I'd felt hurt at Mac shutting me out. But now, I guess I was shutting HIM out, before. Fuck. This whole thing makes my head hurt.

But my conscience is pricking me sharply.

I'd felt trapped. Caged. I'd felt hemmed in by my own admission to him.  'New relationship'... God.

I was the one who wasn't handling the 'new relationship', not Mac. I'd royally fucked up the entire thing. And it looked as though it was too late to salvage anything now.

Did I want to? My heart's hammering in my chest and I feel hollow as I realize that I've managed to hurt Mac AGAIN. And this time it was a lulu.

Panic. Okay, what can I DO? IS there anything I can do?

Fuck! Okay, deep breaths. LiAnn. Maybe.

LiAnn might be able to help. If she doesn't shoot me herself.

Time to eat humble pie.

***