Disclaimer: They're not mine - but they'd have a lot more fun if they were.
Category: Humor, first time
Rating: R
Spoilers: Nary a one
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Summary: Clark tells Lex some startling news.  Events of the smuttish variety ensue.
Author's note: This fic is part of the Slash Advent Calendar Challenge situated at: <http://www.kardasi.com/Advent> I used a challenge from the CLEXFEST - the dialog only thing.
Feedback: Being as this is my first real try at SV fic, I'd certainly appreciate your opinions. <Jennie>
Warning: The smoking of an illegal substance happens.  If you have a problem with that, you won't want to read this.
Thanks to Sue for betaing in a fandom she's not involved with, and to Laura for 'convincing' me - in her own special way - to write the sex scene.
 

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TALKING
 

***

THE MANSION, LATE ONE AFTERNOON:

"Excuse me?"

"I'm gay, Lex."

"You're not just telling me that you're happy today, are you?"

*Snort*  "No, Lex.  I'm telling you that I'm sexually attracted to men."

"How are your parents handling the news?"

"I haven't told them yet."

"Ah."

...

"Lex?"

"Still here, Clark.  I'm wondering..."

"Wondering what?"

"I... Don't take this the wrong way, but why are you telling me?"

"Because you're my best friend, Lex.  Who else would I tell?"

"I see.  Who else indeed?"

...

"Lex?"

"Yes, Clark?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine.  Why do you ask?"

"You're fidgeting."

"No, I'm not."

"Are too."

"Don't be ridiculous, Clark.  I never fidget."

"Then you're unbending paperclips for what reason, Lex?"

"Fine, fine, I'm fidgeting.  So what if I am?"

"Hey, take it easy.  I've never seen you so rattled that you fidgeted before, that's all."

"I am not nervous.  I'm over-caffeinated.  Too much coffee this morning."

"Lex?"

"Yes?"

"You're not, uh, gay?  Are you?"

"No, Clark.  I am not gay."

"Or bi?"

"No."

"Oh."

...

"Clark?"

"Yeah?  I-  Oh!  It's late.  I have to go home and help Dad with... um... something."

"Wait a minute, Clark.  Clark?  Clark!  Shit!"

***

THE LOFT, TEN MINUTES LATER:

"Are you up there, Clark?"

...

"Allow me to rephrase.  I know you're up there, Clark."

"I'm kinda busy, Lex."

"Clark.  We need to talk."

"Oh, I think I've talked enough for one day."

"Okay, then, *I* need to talk."

*sigh*  "Come on up."

...

"So?  Talk, Lex.  That's why you're here, isn't it?  You need to talk."

"You surprised me earlier.  I... didn't handle the situation very well, and I apologize."

"I'm a 'situation' now?"

"No!  No, of course not, Clark.  That's not what I-"

"Said?  You did too say that, Lex.  You said exactly that.  You said you didn't handle-"

"Clark.  Stop.  Quit pacing and sit down.  Thank you.  After so many concussions in a short period of time, I tend to get dizzy very easily.  Now, please accept my apology.  I am truly sorry that I didn't react well to your news.  As I said, you caught me by surprise.  Tell me what's going on.  Have you only recently discovered an attraction to men, or is this something you've considered previously?"

"No.  I mean yes.  Sorta.  Yeah.  Maybe.  And no."

"Right.  Would you care to clarify that answer just a bit, Clark?"

"Oh.  Sorry.  I, ah, there's this guy that I've been... um... that I like.  For a while.  A year.  Or so."

"I see.  Just the one?"

"So far."

"Lana?"

"I... she's... You remember I told you she kissed me when that flower infected her?"

"Yes."

"I didn't have... Um.  I didn't get... I wasn't..."  *sigh*  "She left me cold, Lex."

"Cold?"

"And limp."

"Oh.  I..."  *Ahem*

"Too much information?"

"No.  Of course not.  You can tell me anything, Clark.  I hope you realize that."

"Thanks, Lex.  You're a good friend."

"Okay.  Now then... I have several gay acquaintances.  Let me talk with them, find out if there's some kind of support group.  And I'll arrange for Remy to visit me here so that you can talk to him.  He's a good man, you'll like him."

"Is he cute?"

*Choke*  "He's forty-seven years old and in a committed relationship."

"Damn."

"I thought you said you 'liked' someone already."

*Sigh*  "I did.  But, the guy is straight.  And what I really want is to meet someone nice and cute - and will be interested in breaking my cherry."

"Oh, Jesus!"

"Lex?  Where are you going?  Lex?"

"My place.  Now.  You drive."
 

BACK AT THE MANSION:

"Okay.  Now, how do I go about getting laid?"

"..."

"Lex?  Are you okay?"

"Fine.  I'm... fine."

"You look a little flushed and you're breathing kinda fast."

"Do me a favor, Clark?"

"Sure."

"Go over there and fix me a drink.  B&B, please.  And make it a double."

"Um, that's strong stuff.  Are you sure you want that much?"

"Positive.  A valium would be nice, too.  They're in my bathroom, top shelf of the medicine cabinet."

"Lex, you shouldn't mix..."

*Sigh*  "Fine. Get the wooden box out of my sock drawer instead.  After you get me that drink."

"Um.  What's in the box."

"Pot.  Weed.  Marijuana.  Rolling papers.  A pipe.  A miniature bong.  Just the essentials."

"That's illegal, Lex."

"Fuck 'illegal'.  Just get me the box, let me get pleasantly buzzed, and everything will be just... fine."

"But-"

"Please, Clark, just do this for me."
 

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER:

"Aaaah.  Much better."

"I still don't approve, Lex.  Drugs are-"

"Spare me, Clark.  I've heard all the propaganda.  I don't abuse drugs, but sometimes a drink just isn't enough."

"Well... you do look better.  Not so tense."

"So.  What were we talking about?"

"Getting me laid."

"I need another drink."

"Le-exx."

"Fuck you, Clark.  If you insist on torturing me with thoughts of you fucking some man - or, worse yet, *being* fucked - I *need* another drink."

"Lex?"

"And another joint."

"Are you saying...?"

"And a straight jacket."

"Lex?"

"A good psychiatrist might not be a bad idea.  To delve into my tortuously twisted mind and explain to me why I suddenly seem to want to be the man you get laid by."

"Lex!"

"Oomph.  What the hell are you doing?"

"Jumping your bones, Lex."

"Oh.  I..." *Mmmph*  "Okay."
 

LEX'S BEDROOM, THIRTY MINUTES LATER:

"Lex?"

"Mmm?"

"This is fun, making out and stuff, but I really would like you to um, fuck me now."

"I need another-"

"Forget the booze, Lex.  What we *need* is something to use as - you know. Lube."

"Oh.  Are you sure that you want to do this?  Right now, I mean.  We have plenty of time to work up to that."

"Lube, Lex.  Now."

"Ummm." *Fumble* "Okay, we have lube - I assume KY is acceptable."

"Fine, whatever.  Open it and put some on your fingers."

"Fingers.  Right... Why?"

"You really are clueless about this, aren't you?"

"Have I ever mentioned that you are a smartass, Clark Kent?"

"No, Lex, you haven't.  Actually," *snicker* "calling me an asshole would be more appropriate - because that's where your cock will is going.  The sooner, the better."

"Fuck you, asshole."

"Exactly!  Now, let's get going.  Lube up your fingers and get me ready."

"Um."

"Come on, Lex.  You've been with women, right?  Virgins a time or two, I'd bet.  Surely you understand about stretching and lubricating."

"Well, yeah, but not... there."

"Here, give me your hand."  *Squirt*  "Good, now push one finger right in here.  Yeah.  Oh yeah!  You're doing just fine, Lex.  Add another."

"This is... you're very tight.  Are you sure this will work?"

"Everything'll be okay.  Trust me, Lex.  Oh!  That's nice.  Do it again."

"What?  What did I do?"

"You found my prostate gland, and it feels even better than I ever imagined."  *Gasp*  "Oh!"  *Moan*  "None of the websites or lists or people in chatrooms ever came close to describing how," *Whimper* "wonderful this is."

"Huh.  I sure never got any thrill out of an anal exam."

"You'll be surprised then, when I do this to you."

"I'll reserve judgment on that for now."

"Lex.  Shut up and fuck me."

"Don't we need-"

"All we need is your cock in my ass."

"I... *Ouch*  Clark, be careful with that, it's the only cock I have.  Oh.  O-oh!  That's... very... nice."

"Mmmm.  Move, Lex.  Come on, fuck me already."

"I don't want - ah - to hurt you."

"You won't.  I promise.  Now move, dammit."

"Damn.  Fuck.  This is-"  *Gasp*

"Yeah, it is.  Harder would be better, though."

"You are a demanding slut, Clark."

"Well, since that doesn't seem to bother you, I guess being a demanding slut is okay."

"Do you hear me - *fuck*, that feels good - complaining?"

"Lex!  Yeah!  Harder!  M-more!"

"God!  Clark, I... I'm gonna come."

"Do it.  Come for me, Lex."

"What... about.. you?  Don't want... to come... alone.  Not very, *shit*, polite for me to... do that."

"No p-problem.  Coming right nowww!"

"Fuck!  Clark!"

*Panting*

*Happy sighs*

...

"Lex?"

"Yes, Clark?"

"Can I fuck you next time?"

*Yawn*  "Sure."

"How long?"

"Huh?"

"How long before you're ready for round two?"

"Clark, don't tell me... my god!  You're hard again.  Already."

*Snicker*  "Still hard, actually."

"That's impossible."

"I'm young.  Energetic.  Enthusiastic.  Live with it."

"You're going to be the death of me, aren't you?"

"Welll, I might fuck you to death by accident.  I'll try very hard not to let that happen, though."

*Groan*  "I am *so* screwed."

"Not yet.  But soon.  Very soon.  Where'd you put the lube?"
 
 

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